It depends. It depends on you, if the couple assigned you with a certain number of minutes, etc.

For us, four minutes is the magic number. Now before you think four minutes is short, grab yourself a book and time yourself reading from it aloud with gusto for four minuets. Go ahead—we’ll wait…

As we were saying, four minutes is the sweet spot. It’s neither too short nor too long, and it allows you to reminisce on a few stories without droning.

And if you’re wondering how short a speech you can get away with, we’d say no less than two and a half minutes.

How’d you get chosen as Best Man?

We don’t ask that question sarcastically. It’s a question we ask our clients who are in this situation and a rather useful one to ask yourself before setting out to write your speech.

From our experience, writing a speech for this situation or level of friendship is difficult. It may, in fact, be one of the harder ones. But it isn’t impossible. Yes, there’s typically very little material to work with but that’s where asking the question above comes in handy.

Here are a few more tips for this specific speech writing situation:

• Keep your speech as short as possible without giving away the fact that you’re not close with the groom.

• Talk about how you met and became friends with the groom. Give enough detail to eat time without revealing the fact you’re not close with him.

• List how the groom changed for the better since being in a relationship with the bride.

• Focus on the bride and groom. If this is difficult, schedule a casual get together with the groom and get him to talk about his soon-to-be wife.

If you still have difficulties making headway, contact us for help. We’ve worked with clients who were in your exact situation.

This will not be a short read so get comfortable. And before we offer our advice, it’s important to remind yourself that your friend/relative loves her enough to want to marry her. Alright let’s get cracking.

So do you include the bride in your speech and potentially risk your distaste for her to surface or will the lack of a mention of the bride be glaring? In other words you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

When our client is not Team Bride, it’s very easy to tell. We can sense their sentiments early on and our hunches are always spot on. Writing an anti-bride speech that doesn’t come off as anti-bride requires careful wording and some creativity.

WHAT DO I DO?
Whenever we find ourselves in this situation—and we have a number of times already—our main goal is to always respect the feelings of our client as it relates to the bride. Unless otherwise directed by our client, we do include a section on the bride but we keep it pretty short. We make sure it’s a speech our client can deliver without revealing his disdain for the future missus of his friend/relative. So if you can’t set aside your hatred for the bride while giving your speech, it’s best to avoid it completely.

WHAT DO I SAY?
Keep the bride section of your best man speech short. Not one-sentence-short but polite-short. And to help keep your true feelings from rising up, focus on facts and on the positive things the bride contributed to the relationship. It doesn’t have to be grand because you want to avoid your dislike for her from showing while you give Caesar what is Caesar’s. Here’s an example: If the bride helped the groom become punctual, praise that. Or mention how happy she makes your buddy/relative. We’re sure that last sentence made you throw up a bit but it’s factual and typical in wedding speeches.

If keeping it short or sticking to the facts aren’t working, think of the groom. Because even though the bride section is about the bride, it’s really still about your friend/relative. You’re including something about her in your speech for the groom. Not for the bride. It will make him happy to know and hear that you “support” his now-wife.

HOW DO I KNOW IF MY SPEECH IS “SAFE”?
Practice the delivery of your speech with someone. Choose someone keen on body language and who will be brutally honest with you. And selecting someone cognizant of your anti-bride sentiments is a plus.

When delivering the bride part of your speech, be very mindful of your body language. During a practice session with a client, we noticed his tone change when he got to the bride section and even let out a few sighs. We, of course, brought these to his attention for which he was thankful because he didn’t pick up on either one.

If you don’t think you can separate your feelings from your speech, contact us for help. We have written anti-bride speeches before so we know how to help you.

Unless otherwise instructed, it’s never a bad idea to acknowledge the person(s) footing the wedding bill. And it doesn’t have to be a grand, sweeping gesture. Something as simple as ‘a special thank you to so and so for hosting us this evening’ is more than plenty.

If the bride and/or groom are paying for their big day, there’s no need to point that out specifically. But you can say something like “thank you for bringing us all together tonight.”

• Keep it simple. Consider writing your speech similar to your natural speaking style. This will also help with the day-of.

• Keep it PG and avoid inside jokes.

• Practice makes perfect so don’t just wing the delivery of your speech.

• If you drink alcohol, drink AFTER your speech.

• Start early. We have had clients book us a few years out so it’s never too early to start.